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THE EAST WIND DOTH BLOW

AND PAUL’S CHEEKS ARE AGLOW

As those jackanape Johnnies from the Met. Office will tell you, 2010 was a most unusual year. Our sceptr’d isle has, since time in memoriam, stood in the way of a steady sou’ westerly. It has shaped our psyche and even our town planning but in 2010 the wind direction veered from the East and changed everything. The members of the Royal & Ancient Last Hoorah Golf Society being the salty seadogs they are, knew that change was afoot and looking back on that year recognise things will never be the same.

As HO will attest, the stats don’t lie. Paul East, the mighty atom from Addington, has won the victor ludorum of 2010 and swept all aside. He is our new Red Jacket. He is the only winner since we began in 2004 to be called neither Harvey osler nor david aspey. (cue fanfare).

Starting the year on a keen 9 handicap (only bettered by the Legendary Les), he played his heart out attending all but the last meeting averaging 83.63 shots- His best ever. His average score for both the front and back nines were not beaten by any other member. Naturally, he was top of the money earner taking a whopping £56.50 home. He was very nearly the best putter with an average of 34.13 and bagged an impressive 7 birdies.

His annus mirabilis began with a middling performance at Brighton & Hove G.C. a course which failed to inspire him(what commendable good taste he shows in this). He then turned in a solid performance on his home course as joint winner and proceeded too win outright at Knole Park. He was 2^nd at the new Zealand, winner at Royal Ashdown,3^rd at East Sussex, 2^nd at Crowboro’ and 3rd at Cinque Ports - ALL VERY IMPRESSIVE. After his win at Knole Park, he took to the top of the leader board and stood like a colossus till the end of the year. Our titan of the minnows!

Some old lags from the society have seen this before from Paul and many a title has slipped from his digits for the sake of the odd absence here and an ailment there (there, there). Indeed, the society’s tailors were paying close attention to his measurements in 2008 as he started very brightly only to be pipped by HO - the re-modelling of the jacket would have to wait.

Nevertheless, his man-flu affected non-presence at the RSG did not deny him the right to wear with pride the fabled red-jacket. As we speak Ronnie Corbett’s nimble-fingered tailors sit cross-legged working furiously on the jacket cutting it down to size. It is hoped it’ll be ready to present at our AGM on 25^th January.

On behalf of all the members of the last hoorah golf society, may I congratulate you, Paul, on your record-breaking achievement but respectfully remind you of the society’s motto ; “Woncom ovum vicit, ne semper vicit wankum”.

To commemorate Paul’s year as the society’s stalwart, I have penned a song to be sung rather fittingly to the tune of ‘the red rover’.

Come all ye golfers from far and quite near

And listen to stories of Easto and beer

Well he won the red jacket from him quite a stunt

There was none could outshine him that clever ol’ count

(Chorus) and it’s, no, they never,

No, they never can, Paul.

Can they wear the red jacket

No, no-one but Paul

He went to Crowborough

For the beacon to play

But he locked himself out of his Lexus all day.

(chorus ) Saying “no, I never

No, I’ll never wear that”

Yes, you’ll wear the pink beret

And that’ll be that.

Paul is a man though he’s not very tall

But he makes us all midgets

By the length of his ball !

So he’s won the red jacket

By his cunning and guile

And he’s taken all our money

And left with a smile

(chorus ) so it’s no, nay, never

No, they never can, Paul,

Can they now wear the jacket

‘cause its arm are too small.