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Tales of Derring-do, High Jinks and General Capers from the Hoorah-vian Annals.
Or
How the Last came First and a jacket was donned with Pride.
Gentleman
of the Last Hoorah, I need not remind such a learned and august body that
History is written by the victor but as Vic was busy it falls to me to write
the final missive of our inaugural year. What a year! We have seen many a fine
drive particularly from big M. Fancy winning the longest drive at the Southover
Golf Soc. on our penultimate meeting-held at E. Sx (w) with a three wood !
There’s only word for that sort of thing…bloody prodigious. Well done, ASBO.
The day will also be remembered for the purple passage that Mc Osler went
through in bagging no less than FOUR BIRDIES. Just when I thought I was going
to finish the year winning the birdie pot Hamish storms home with a personal
best. Don’t ever tell me again you’ve got the yipps, I’m not listening. Can’t
recollect much of the early holes other than driving the buggy into a sand
dune..probably one of my better drives. At the turn The Rock was tied with The
Maharajah whilst Valise was doing his impersonation of hand luggage and the Doc
was just about off the radar even playing off an outrageous 24 hcp. Still, all
that was to change and as ol’ grandpappy Aspey used to say “show me a man who
can laugh at defeat and I’ll show you a Caribbean chiropodist with a sense of
humour (apologies to the late Ronnie Barker for that one).Well, I thought I saw
Linksy’s head drop slightly when we arrived at the half-way house only to find
it shut. That was a signal for the laggard
to get arse in gear and 9 holes and 24 points later The Doc had won the
back 9 and finished neck and neck with the Rock. Hoorah! But what of the
Suitcase I hear you shout. There’s only one word for the youngster’s back
9…Samsonite. He gave up hitting the usual bananas (sorry patented fade) and in
a peerless display of straight driving and steady putting clocked up 21 points
and victory. Huzzah. Scores attached thanks to Stato.
The
following week the last meeting of the Fantastic Four was held at….E.Sx(w) a
Groundhog day if ever there was. For three of the Titans there was all to play
as the permutations of the final placings meant that the hallowed red jacket
could be on the shoulders of Big M or would it be Rocky or Sinatra Barnes. Four
decent opening drives and battle was joined it was eyeball-to-eyeball,
toe-to-toe but what was this Hamish hits a thin one into bushes and only scrambles
a bogey. Onto the 2nd with still a long way to go but off the lowest
hcp(16) Hamish would have to start firing on all cylinders but no what’s this
another errand shot and a lost ball on the 5th would see HO dropping
off the pace and ground being made up by big M and Monsieur Valise. At the turn
a gratifying sight met our eyes …signs
of life in the half-way house; a cup of tea, a warm smiling welcome and an
outstanding egg and bacon bap. Ahh what baps..Even more surprising was the
sight of the Doctor running away with it on 24 pts. Clearly the others were
focusing on the bigger picture. But it twasn’t to be as the lake on 10th
claimed 2 of my balls and my first blob. Osler got re-focussed and won the back
9 on 18 pts whilst the cheese munching surrender monkey and the buffoon tied on
17pts. The Samsonite one brought up the rear with 16points and third place. The
Maharajah bagged second and eventually after 12 attempts the Doc was home and
dry recording his first L.H.G.S. victoire. HOO-FUCKING-RAH. As he turned round
to receive the applause there was some kerfuffle and unfinished business as HO
and PB putted out for the tournament. YAWN. Was it Paul or was it Harvey as we
retired to the clubhouse for the final reckoning.
And
so as the setting sun slid slowly o’er sylvan Sussex, a crimson jacket was
eased on by our noble winner. Ladies, laddies and those of the Rose-drinking
persuasion, I give you Stato, Linksman, Hamish Mc Osler. He may have come last
in the last match but let the record show he was our first in the first
year….of the last hoorah…hoorah! (Is it me or is there an echo in here?)
FOR
THOSE OF US ABOUT THE ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU.