LOFTY AIN’T ‘ALF HOT, MUM.
Cast :
Lofty Lee, David
‘oh-dear-how-sad-never-mind’ Aspey, SGM Williams, Gar aka Ah Syn (the Chinese
cook-more typecasting I’m afraid), Punkah Wallah Mukherjee (shameless
stereotype-sorry, Nick but there isn’t a maharajah in it), La-dee-da Gunner
Newman, Lt. Col. Charles Osler Reynolds, Capt. James Tierney Ashwood
AWOL
Bombadier Boyle, Gunner ‘Gloria’ Dalby, Char wallah Fry, Nosher Kneath,
Even Loftier Easto, Dusty Miller.
Cameo performance from
Marcus Opoku, Joel Piveteau and
Piers Merret
Venue: Deolali-ttlestone, India,
And now viewers please don’t
adjust your sets, it’s back to the 1970’s to the time when Lee was no more than
a twinkle in his father’s eye and Mrs Drewett had another thing coming to her
that night. After Mrs D. had chuckled her way through the popular sitcom, “It
ain’t ‘alf hot, Mum”, Mr Drewett no doubt chose his moment wisely for some
extracurricular activity that auspicious evening. Some 40 years later we have
that programme to thank for our very own laddy- boy. Yes, Lofty has come of age
and lifted his first Hoorah title - albeit not so very far off the ground (Lee,
please forgive my heightism jokes as they are beneath me - a bit like you then really -tsk tsk).
Your win has earned you the pith
helmet and oversized khaki shorts award from Don Estelle’s wardrobe to the
accompaniment of “Whispering Grass” from us all.
But what about the day itself? I
recall once more Littlestone GC playing being perfect host - even to point of
having to persuade them they were due money from us – Cinque Ports take heed.
Hopefully, we have earned ourselves Major Brownie points. Then it was off to
their sister club, Romney Warren for a stonking breakfast before the off.
We were joined by Joel Piveteau -
a regular with the other Brighton-based golf society whose name escapes me for
the moment (their captain is a pompous arse -that much I do know). He struck
the ball cleanly and amassed a goodly total of points until he made the rookie
error of being distracted by his ‘phone. Once out of that cloud of ‘conscious
competence’, his game plummeted sadly to earth with a final score of 31 pts inc 2 birdies. Joel being Joel however did
not let the disappointment show and in true Hoorahvian spirit took it on the
chin and jauntily continued with his game surrendering as even the mighty must
to the vicissitudes of golf. Makes you proud to be British.
Marcus, as many of us know, has a
saying or catchphrase for every conceivable situation you might encounter on life’s
lustrous links. After I had putted so far past the hole on one green that I had
not lost my turn, he remarked portentously that I had hit a ‘dead sheep’. He
delighted in my bewildered look and pregnant pause before one of us was
suckered into asking what the dickens he was on about. With a smile that would
embarrass a Cheshire cat he explained that it was a ‘still ewe’. I have used
that since to some effect. Thanks, Marcus. As anyone who has played a round
with Marcus, his length off the tee and indeed with any other club in hand is
prodigious. He reduced some long 400 yd + holes to a spit and a kick. His gross
score of 9 over (33 pts inc 2 birdies) was the best of the day ensuring he took
home some wonga.
We also welcomed amongst us Piers
Merrett from the warlord’s company. Merrett by name and meritorious by nature.
He posted a distinguished 33 points.
Considering the dangers of this
course, there was solid scoring all round from our regulars (NM 34 pts, DA 32
pts, HO 31 pts, GH 31 pts inc 1 birdie, JT 29 pts). Silky-smooth Legendary
Leslie looked at home amongst the ryegrass and dunes of Littlestone, where,
lest ye forget, he swept all before him in 2009 to win the Linksman on the
self-same course.
But even the Lee Dixon
looky-likey himself with an impressive 35 points could not out top our Lofty.
Lofty posted an impressive 37 pts taking also the front 9 with
n-n-n-n-n-n-n-ineteen points.
Punkah wallah Mukherjee won the
back 9 with 19 points and shared the wonga on the par 3 comp with Sir Les. Congrats
to you both. Let the record also show a creditable 28 putts from the flat stick
of Stato who restored his reputation as auditor to the Society after some
scoring irregularities were sorted out post facto. Less said, soonest mended as
ol’ Mother Aspey once said. Well, I think that’s what she said. Coming from
Derbyshire no one outside of her village had the foggiest notion what the poor
dear was going on about. The warlord might have understood her coming from that
neck of the woods.
Talking of the Roi de Guerre
himself, reminds me that after the game Sir Les, Marcus, his Lordship and I
partook of a few frames of pool as gentlemen might after a hard day’s golf and
thence disgorged to The Chilli Pickle to savour their curried comestibles. Said
items were consumed with relish…..and poppadoms. (Chuckle, chuckle). Ah, the
old ones are best ones.
Well, I’ve just been told by
matron that it’s lights out after I’ve had my anti-pomposity pills. I think I
might watch one more episode of It Ain’t half Hot Mum before retiring. Nighty
night everyone.
Over to you for the stats, Stato
and feel free to embellish with your own memories of the game.
Thank you indeed, David
‘oh-dear-how-sad-never-mind’ Aspey; the days doing are duly posted in our Event
Competition Stats, and the overall running battle in the Hoom is posted in
the 2011 Stats
spreadsheet