ONE SMALL STEP FOR THE MEN OF HOORAH, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANN … THE EAGLE HAS LANDED

Crew members of the USS Hoorah :

Wall-E1 (later to be 2E), Paul ‘Buzz Lightbeer’ Barnes, Lieutenant you-whore-a Drewitt, Doc “Bones” Davies, Philip Rocket Mann, Lieutenant Les Newman-on-the-moon, Captain Slog Osler, Cosmonaut Porky Gargarin.

Absent astronauts

Boyle, Dalby, Fry, Kneath, Tierney, Mukherjee, East (RJ 2010), Miller.

Star Date 16^th February 2011

Venue The Eastern Spiral Arm of Seaford Head

This is the log of the USS Last Hoorah. Our mission? To boldy go and split infinitives and beyond, and find new worlds, spreading the power of love, golf and democracy whilst fighting the local inhabitants (all strangely humanoid and English-speaking). Yes, little has changed when it comes to foreign policy U.S. style.

We beamed down on a rocky part of the planet Golf after receiving a distress signal emitting from a Spunknik. This was an early space probe pioneered (or should that be paneered) by the Indian and French space agencies. It was designed to seed the galaxies of Alpha Centauri but the mission was abandoned after it had fired too many blanks.

Inevitably, there were no signs of the Spunknik crew but our instruments picked up life forms in a golf station perched high above the ocean. Inside the shack was a variety of carbon-based bipeds. Their leader, Wing Commander Don Maybee, (can’t be too sure about that) president of the galactic fleet in the year dot, came forward and identified himself as a former pilot of Lancaster bombers during the second world war. His impressive handlebar moustaches were all the proof we needed. He bade us welcome but warned us of the ‘mud’- googling this word put us on the lookout for a ‘70’s band of musicians with tiger feet. (Ed. That’s neat - I really love those tiger feet).

Two search parties were sent out; the first lead by Captain Slog Osler, accompanied by Lieutenant Newman-on-the Moon, Buzz Lightbeer Barnes and Cosmo Porky Gargarin. A messy lift-off from three of these players was eclipsed by a sublime, wedge-in-hand chip-in from PB. With long accurate driving to boot, PB had no difficulty humbling this short course, posting an impressive gross 76 and 43 points including 1 birdie on the par five 5^th hole. The short par four saw LN attempt the first of his 5 eagle putts of the day, none of which sadly ended in better than a par, but his two birdie 2’s on the 10^th and 12^th holes kept a proprietary grip on the (now sadly one-winged) Big Bird Trophy, and LN posted a gross 78 for 39 points. If the putter had been on fire this could have been an under par round. GH made a sold 19 points on the way out but a back-to-back blobs on 13 and 14 left him with 33 points. HO started slowly and struggled on the greens all day, but was on target from tee to green and returned a tidy level par back 9 for a gross 77, and 41 points with a single birdie on the 14th.

The second group bringing up the rear consisted of Wall-e1, the rocket Mann Phil, Lofty Lootenant and thankfully downwind of everyone else, the windy wingman Davis. The highlights included Lofty nearly driving out of bounds on the first, Phil landing in the ‘crater of doom’ but driving the second green. Sadly, he missed the eagle putt but managed birdie as did tweet tweet Davis. Wall-e1 nearly drove the green on the 3^rd and both E1 and PM missed easyish birdie putts on the par three 4^th. On the next PM, MD and LD all spanked driver leaving the green well within reach. PM and MD made birdies. PM had a card-saving scramble at the next and looked in good form as on the next he made a difficult hole look easy. Indeed, one par swiftly followed another as he came to the turn at level par. His gross score of 36 was not beaten and with 24 pts he took the wonga on the front 9. Lofty was unlucky to get his ball snagged in a nasty gorse bush on the 11^th. As a consolation the cigars came out and mellowed the mood somewhat as did Lofty’s double-filtered Laphroaig which slipped down a treat. At various points around the course we saw some interesting wildlife. MD being one for his birds claimed he saw an eagle. On closer inspection LD correctly identified it as a large crow.

At the turn, it was coming down to a showdown between MD and PM as each found fairway after fairway and showed a steady short game. At the far end of this lovely links is a gorgeous view over to the cliffs. In the photos that can be found on our website you’ll find a good piccie of the ‘windy one’ looking very chuffed. Is it something to do with someone telling him he has Seven Sisters behind him? Lucky chap. Uncharacteristically, Phil nobbed his drive on 15 but recovered well as E1 made birdie after driving through the cleavage -very satisfying. However, Phil had a Rodney King moment on the par 3 16^th as he over-clubbed and lost a ball; losing 2 strokes on one hole was his only sin on an otherwise blemish-free card.

And so to the last. Arguably, the best closing hole in all of Sussex nay the south coast. As you stand on the tee perched high over Seaford your breath is taken away by the view spread out below. You get some idea of what a ski-jumper feels before he leaps. Feeling a little giddy DA slashed away with his trustee driver and looking up saw it hanging in the air for what seemed like an age. With only 145 yds to go, and downhill all the way, he hit a sublime 9 iron which drifted in from the right to land and spin back 5 feet from the pin. Aaaahh, I was now beginning to see that rare bird MD had thought he’d espied earlier. The putt was downhill with 3 inches of swing. With the entire Hoorah crew looking on, the ball was sent on its way as a hush fell over the green .. and nestled squarely into the hole. Familiar faces looked on from the clubhouse as a middle-aged, balding man began a strange chicken-dance of joy. Elbows out, knees pumping, a screeching call rang out over the cliff top. THE EAGLE HAD LANDED! The very turf rejoiced to see that quite unprecedented three! (as Betjeman would have said). With that Wall-E1, now 2E, scooped the birdie pot, leaving the others unrewarded for the combined total of 11 birdies - including MD (3 birdies) and PM and LN (2 apiece). So that’s 11 birdies and 1 eagle on the first outing of 2011 – not bad as a collective effort.

Talking of Stato, ‘twas he won the back 9 with a gross 35 (i.e. level par ) and 23 points. Congrats. Our winner though and a worthy one at that was the local lad made good, Mr Mann, who played a very tidy game finishing with a staggering 46 points and a gross score of 2 over which ties with DA’s score at Royal Ashdown in 2006. Stato also shared the honours with Mike D. on the par 3

comp. which saw both of them finish level par.

So an eventful start to a season which sees us playing a load of tasty courses. PM led the way after to a local hostelry and a fine curry was had at the Bengal Palace. Naturally, a few toasts were made including the now statutory ‘absent friends’ drink to Nick Spunknik Mukherjee who organises a damn good golf day but never invites himself!

The good ship Last Hoorah fuelled with curry and lager blasted off into the night sky. The controls had been set for the heart of the sunny course of Littlestone, scene of a couple of great Linksman games.

Check out the piccies on the Snapfish site

This has been another Cock ‘n’ Cobblers production. The vital statistics, for those for you are keeping count, are as follows:

Seaford Head - 16/02/11	HO	PB	DA	MD	LN	GH	LD	PM
Meddle
F9	42	39	44	40	40	42	44	36
B9	35	37	41	39	38	45	44	37
18 (par 71)	77	76	85	79	78	87	88	73
Over par	6	5	14	8	7	16	17	2
Playing H/C	11	12	9.9	15	9	13	18	12
H/C Adjustment (Congu)	10.9	12.2	10	15.3	8.7	12.6	17.9	12
New H/C	9.9	10.8	10.0	13.2	8.3	12.7	17.6	10.0
Comps
F9 (stableford)	18	21	15	22	19	19	19	24
B9 (stableford)	23	22	17	21	20	14	18	22
18 (stableford)	41	43	32	43	39	33	37	46
Eagles			1
Birdies	1	1	1	3	2		1	2
Gross Par 3's (6 holes)	Lev	1	2	Lev	1	3	4	2
Winnings	£12		£8	£4				£16
Other Stats
HOOM position	4	3	8	2	5	7	6	1
HOOM points	5	6	1	7	4	2	3	8
Fairways	14	14	14	14	14	14	14	14
FIR	11	8	7	11	10	5	7	12
GIR	12	8	8	10	11	8	7	12
Putts	35	31	33	34	37	38	35	32