Venue: Westerham GC

Conditions: Fine

Snakes in the Grass

Aspey, Mukherjee, Osler, Dalby.

Missing Sids

Boyle, East, Barnes, Davieees, Fry, Kneath, Mann, Newman, Tierney.

Visiting Vipers

Mark Colbourn, Phillip Goacher

Once more the sun shone down on the righteous rabble, the knights of the red jacket, call them what you will they are a force for good in a post–recessional world. We gathered on the feast of St Michael which was apposite as it was the Society’s very own Michael, Patron Saint of the Babysham) who was instrumental in getting four free green fees at one of Ron Noad’s finest (The Addington excluded). Mike had organized a team including one of guests, Mark, and DA who trotted out first at The Dyke to win free golf a go-go. It was to our utter dismay that the eponymous one was conspicuous in his absence.

I’m not sure if it was just the writer who took a shine to this course right from the off but it looked green and pleasant from the wooded car park. Admittedly, it is of modern construction with lots of bunkers but amidst the pines twisted and turned manicured fairways. But beware the serpentine sward, my son, with jaws that snap and fangs that snag. Witness the alarming signs next to the 10^th tee box warning of adders and not of the chartered accountancy genus. The more information one read about what to do when bitten; “Do not run, remain calm, call immediately for an ambulance, etc”, the more agitated the reader became. How likely is being bitten? How big are these snakes and is the sum insured on my life assurance adequate are the sort of questions that noone dared to ask as the pretence of bravery wore thin.

On the 1^st, the traditional ceremony of tossing balls in the air determined that both our guests should go out with Tony the Tiger - known to have had first hand experience of wrestling with large pythons (or should we believe him?). NM, HO and DA brought up the rear (a very nice position it is too). Well, it goes without saying that HO split the fairway like a natural blonde (?!!?) whilst DA and NM found the 2^nd fairway. But something odd happened when the 3 met on the green as DA’s perfidious putter steered in a snakey 25 footer for a birdie. The pattern for the day was set.

Other holes came and went with further birdies marked on DA’s card on the par five 3^rd and then back-to-back birdies on the 7^th and 8^th. A fifth and record breaking birdie came at the par five 16^th. This was a rara avis of a hole where all 3 of us had makeable putts for eagle. One by one the balls fell short of their mark. But 2/3 birdies was a good haul. Let it not be said that Aspey had it all his own way as HO and NM made a spirited fight back on the back 9. But with 38 pts (22 pts front 9 and 16 on the back) DA pocketed most of the mullah.

Afterwards, we met up at the curry house outside of Westerham where a good meal was made memorable by our very own snakecharmer having the mother cobra of all hissy fits.

Eyebrows were raised a little when the bill came but HO and DA reached for their wallets. Meanwhile NM had gone to the little boy’s room in a huff and returned in a huff and a half as he had read of a ‘Midweek Special’ in the khazi. It being Thursday NM decided to persuade the proprietor that today was sort of a day that fell roughly in the middle of the week-ish. Unfortunately, the owner was not seeing it like that and horns were locked for an IPL showdown - imagine Shia Khan vs The Lion King. Matters were eventually resolved by HO and DA coughing up like lambs leaving the Bengal tiger fuming. Outside in the dimly streets of Westerham I caught sight of Nick’s eyes burning like embers in the night. Let no man stand in between the Bengali builder and his putative mid-week special.

So this was the match, in retrospect, where the tournament’s leader, HO, was caught after having taken an early lead. By the end of this Michaelmas HO and DA were once again toe-to-toe, eyeball meeting squarely eyeball in a steady gaze. Who would blink first? Next stop our spiritual home for and double points to the victor. Yet again, after a year’s jiggering and niblicking, it was down to the links to decide.

Scores on the doors …. well just check out the website as this is now 6 months on and I can’t be chuffed to work it all out (Ed)