DEER ME, R.J.
BUCKS UP, TAKES HART AND THE DOE
AT OUR ANNUAL
STAG PARTY
Conditions: Fair
but breezy
The
Present Monarchs of the Glen
Aspey,
Barnes, East, Mukherjee, Osler Minor, and guests Osler (Major), Drewitt, Joyce
Absent
Deer Friends
Boyle,
Dalby, Davieees, Fry, Kneath, Mann, Newman, Tierney.
A fine
field came to slay the Deer Park which was looking its best. The fairways had
been cropped by legions of deer - nice if you don’t like a bit of rough (present
members excluded), not so great if you’re averse to a tight lie or two (again
present company excluded). On one hole my lie was positively vaginal but
onwards and upwards…
The
pre-match snifter was as usual entertaining particularly Nosler’s impersonation
of Robert Robinson. Let the records note that Paul Barnes Esq. took a brown one
for the team - the kitchen having run out of white baguettes. It was good to
see our ranks swollen by Lofty Lee – fellow surf dude. It was a bit like an old
school re-union with all of the original members and the second wave.
The
first 4 off were PB, PE, HO and NM. Only the pukkah sahib himself found the
green with his opening shot with PE a little left (sorry-couldn’t resist it),PB
a lot right and HO plonked it in the front bunker. As time would tell this was
to be a rare slip-up.
Easto
found the greens a little slower than at his Addington home and took a little
time to adjust, nevertheless notching up a sweet birdie 2 on the par three 8th
drop hole, and 15 points on the front none. Finding his groove, a further
birdie followed at the uphill par 4 13th hole, after stiffing his
second. After pulling his tee short at the long and tricky par three 16th
hole his downhill lob wedge (albeit back into the wind) which landed on a
sixpence impressed, but shot of the day was his fourth – and final – shot at
the difficult dogleg par four 11th hole - which from fifty yards landed short of the pin, bounced once,
checked and rolled with inevitability into the hole. This contributed to his
tally of just 11 putts on the back 9 and a gross one over par and 21 points.
The round included an impressive level par on the six par three holes to scoop
that particular possible with some to spare. Where is his bandy-legged swing of
yesteryear?
Barnesy
put in an all too rare appearance and his lack of golf showed in some wayward
tee-shots; his short game however never seems to suffer and time and time again
he made his “up and down” to notch bogey at worst and came in with a very
respectable 31 points.
Snakecharmer
impressed most with his Machiavellian laugh which boomed out from the back of
most tee boxes; as ever he struck the ball sweetly but did not score as well as
he should have done with 14 points on the front nine and 16 on the back nine.
His swearing was in full flow by the half way point as c**k was traded for
c**t; he left vowing to fine-tune his short game before the next event.
Osler
Junior safely avoided getting into deep trouble with his more wayward tee-shots
and struck the ball well, missing a few putts but quietly amassing 17 points on
the front nine and 21 points on the back nine, including a birdie at the short
par five 17th hole when a putt finally dropped to a muted Hoorah!
His shot of the day was probably a do-or-die hack up the par five 15th
hole when he cut his second short - a three wood – round some trees and up to
the plateau in front of the green to set up an easy par. 38 points proved to be
enough to take the honours.
The
stragglers in the last group got off to reasonable start but as the game
progressed Kevin’s playing partners became increasingly twitchy. For those
who’ve not had the pleasure of his company on the golf course, Kevin has the
alarming tendency of getting onto the tee box and taking a lusty swing with his
driver which looks as if he’s aiming at those standing to one side. Even worse
is that at the last moment he twists the clubhead so it definitely is pointing
at you! You close your eyes and think that the end is nigh but then open them
to see the ball in flight sidewinding its way towards the fairway. It’s never a
dull moment with Kev on the tee. We went through agony and ecstasy and back
again on 15th as his drive looked certain to plummet deep into the bracken. We
all started to make sympathetic noises when it suddenly lost height and
appeared to be landing in a clearing which provoked a few audible sighs of
relief. However, it gained momentum and veered towards more bracken, “ Arghh!”.
We were about to curse his luck when through the bracken his balled skipped to
finish in the semi. I for one was emotionally drained.
Other
memorable moments include Lofty’s purple passage (arf arf) which saw lovely
drives on the 3rd hole followed by a tidy approach. A mighty biff up
the 4th and 6th and a par on the tricky 5th followed. On the 6th the
wheels literally came off Kevin’s game. We saw him head down into the valley of
bracken with his trolley only to re-appear carrying his bag!
The
farting deer on the 5th were waiting for your humble scribe. All was quiet on
the western front for my pre-shot routine only for the little blighters to
squeak out a few at the top of my backswing soon to be followed by muffled
titters from NO and company. My ball didn’t quite make it but instead of
running all the way down the hill lodged in a ‘snatch’ of a lie. I would have
needed a speculum to perform that particular excavation.
Lofty
and I should have birdied the short par three 8th hole but foozled
our putts. NO and DA made a complete whore’s breakfast of getting out of the greenside
bunker on the 10th but played the next in par. On the 12th tee NO made his
usual ribald comment about this being a ‘Lady Di’ hole i.e. shouldn’t have
taken one’s driver when Lofty took driver and found the pond!!!
In
summary then, DA took the front nine, HO and PE shared the back nine with HO
winning overall, and PE winning the par three comp and HO and DA posting one
birdie apiece and PE posting two.
And so
to The Spice Club for another damn fine curry and more light-hearted ribbing
from NO, HO, KJ, DA and lovely-boy lofty. After a few toasts all parted on the
very best of terms. However, the writer does have to reprove HO for not wearing
the coveted red jacket. How modest is he? The good people of Sevenoaks have
seen stranger sights than a Butlins red coat out of season. Or is it as the
poet says,
“Full many a gem of purest ray serene
The dark unfathomed caves of oceans bear.
Full many a flower was born to blush unseen
And waste its sweetness upon the desert
air.”
Don the
jacket with pride, Harvey. There’s many I fancy that would…p.s. isn’t it time
you customized for your win in 2008?
So onto
East Brighton a new venue for the L.H.G.S. All to play for as the Stag of
Knole, eyes wide and nostrils flared, tries to outrun the baying hounds. I hear
a hunting horn. Do y’ ken, Harvey? There’s sap in it yet.
Scores
On The Doors:
|
#8 Knole Park |
|
HO |
PB |
DA |
NM |
PE |
NO |
LD |
KJ |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
F9 |
|
17 |
16 |
18 |
14 |
15 |
14 |
17 |
10 |
|
B9 |
|
21 |
15 |
17 |
16 |
21 |
19 |
12 |
13 |
|
18 |
|
38 |
31 |
35 |
30 |
36 |
33 |
29 |
23 |
|
Hoom Pos. |
|
1 |
4 |
3 |
5 |
2 |
|
|
|
|
Hoom Points |
|
5 |
2 |
3 |
1 |
4 |
|
|
|
|
Par 3's (6) |
|
6 |
7 |
7 |
6 |
0 |
9 |
6 |
10 |
|
Gross Score (Par 70) |
|
80 |
89 |
84 |
90 |
78 |
91 |
93 |
100 |
|
Eagles |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Birdies |
|
1 |
0 |
1 |
0 |
2 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
|
FIR |
|
4 |
4 |
6 |
4 |
4 |
2 |
3 |
3 |
|
GIR |
|
6 |
5 |
5 |
3 |
6 |
3 |
4 |
0 |
|
Putts |
|
32 |
34 |
32 |
34 |
29 |
34 |
35 |
32 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Winnings |
|
£17.00 |
£0.00 |
£9.00 |
£0.00 |
£10.00 |
£0.00 |
£0.00 |
£0.00 |
Player
|
Exact H/C
before
event |
Meddle
Score Today (Par 70)
|
Adj To H/C (max +/- 2)
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
HOOM Before Game
|
HOOM Points Today
|
HOOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
14.4 |
+10 |
-1.2 |
13.2 |
13 |
19 |
5 |
24 |
|
PB |
10.6 |
+19 |
+1.6 |
12.2 |
12 |
- |
2 |
2 |
|
DA |
12.6 |
+14 |
+0.3 |
12.9 |
13 |
20 |
3 |
23 |
|
NM |
19.0 |
+20 |
+0.4 |
19.4 |
19 |
20 |
1 |
21 |
|
PE |
8.4 |
+8 |
- |
8.4 |
8 |
6 |
4 |
10 |
|
AF |
19.0 |
|
|
19.0 |
19 |
3 |
- |
3 |
|
PK |
18.0 |
|
|
18.0 |
18 |
- |
- |
- |
|
MD |
22.5 |
|
|
22.5 |
23 |
13 |
- |
13 |
|
JT |
14.7 |
|
|
14.7 |
15 |
10 |
- |
10 |
|
AD |
28.0 |
|
|
28.0 |
28 |
4 |
- |
4 |
|
AB |
24.6 |
|
|
24.6 |
25 |
9 |
- |
9 |
|
LN |
9.2 |
|
|
9.2 |
9 |
3 |
- |
3 |