The One Where Henrik Oslersson
Slew Grendel and his Mother
Venue: Royal St Georges
Date: 13 November 2008
Vikings (members)
Naughty Nikkynogginson the Indian Viking
(you make a bloody show o’ me)
Henrik Oslarsson son of Beerwolfson
Aspeyson the werewolf? – the therewolf!
Barnes, Vlad the Patented in-fader
East the Red-bearded Beast (of de leettle
people)
Mike the Captain of the good ship sheep
shagger
Jim, Roi du Grrr-eat aka Tony the tiger
Pillaging Guests
Les the Newnorseman (not afraid to show his
feminine side)
Steve the manslayer, ducky.
Absent Vikings
King Kneath, noggin the great eggnog
Alan Fryer the gonkbonker
Felicitous salutations of the Gorging
Season to all in the swollen ranks of the Royal and Nearly Ancient Last Hoorah
Golfing Society. Your roving reporter trusts you have spent the break
sharpening you axes and polishing your helmets in readiness for 2009. Below you
will find 2 articles for your edification, first the year’s events and then the
Minutes of our last meeting a la Beowulf. Quaff deeply from your mead cup,
Reader, and savour your dose of monthly cock ‘n balls ...
2008 - The Viking Hoard doth Multiply
Listen, men of the Hoorah, to my story
Of our noble quest for a jacket gory,
Easto took Tandridge in the Winter’s mud
As thick as their stick-to-your-ribs suet
pud
On Knole Park’s heaths and Kentish parts
Where the Auditor triumphed over deer
farts
To Addington next to play with young East
Who took us for song and a curry feast
We beached our boats then on the Isle of
Hayling
Where Hornblower O. made it all plain
sailing
Then to France, in Hardelot’s pine forests
fair
Where cigar smoke mingled with the misty
air
Torrential rain, lightning and thunder
bolts
Did not cower the Society’s young colts
Nor did Ancient Ashdown’s heat better our
boys
Where Snakecharmer and East won it with
poise
Next came Chart Hills whose bunkers made
us ponder
Again t’ was the East who slew the
anaconda
Our Very own warlord played host at E.
Sussex
Won by the Prince who delivered like Fedex
And so to St Georges, our own Valhalla
Won by the Auditor with consummate valour
So Let the Norse bards sing long and
lustily
Of Harvey and his red jacket no. 3.
The Saga of the Final Round of 2008 for the Last Viking Hoard
In the lands North of the Burg of the
Scyldings, where the Black Rocks stand guard against the Cold sea in the dark
night that is long, the men of the Last Hoorah (Viking Division) sit by their
great log fires and they tell a tale of marauding Mashie-men, furrie cups and
the naughty norse niblicks. East sings songs of the deadly doddery diddymen of
Notty Ash while Mad Mike goes tweet, tweet. These were hard, desperate Nordic
types whose reputation in flower arranging and marquetry went before them. But
one dark tale is told oftentimes and still bewitches them all. The story of how
the great warrior Henrik Oslerrson fought a Sand Witch and came away bloodied
but not bowed in 2008. His jacket was, it is told, a thing of gore from the
wild witch’s talons which left woven cicatrices of eagles and sparkplugs. In
the jacket’s pocket were strange inflatable devices which later gave him much
needed protection, ribbed for his pleasure.
The battleground was renowned for previous
tales of derring-do of Greg the Norman, Scott and Lyle and Ben the Curtis (ed.
Who He?). These brave warriors had tamed the maiden but like a siren she smiles
your way like Angelina Jolie on a goode day whilst othertimes she morphs into a
harridan, spitting blinding sea spume, whipping up her sandy vortices and
grabbing your balls with her wispy grass tentacles.
But on that mild November day as the
Hoorahvian hoard beached their long boats and ran screaming with their blooded
axes through the dunes that guard the dragon’s lair, their eyes beheld only a
maiden fair. The local keepers of the greensward had cut the witch short. The
breeze was but a babe’s belch as the vicious Vikings wrapped up warmly against
the coolish weather and set to with baffy, brassie and niblick. Half way into
the thick of it strange curses could be heard and the pounding of the waves on
the beach was drowned out by the muffled swearing of one and all. Vlad the
patented in-fader took the battle honours in the front 9 with a creditable 20
points whilst Oslerrson got stuck into the back 9 with 24 bloody points. Thus,
he shrugged off by 1 pt his co-wearer of the Red Jacket, Aspeyson the werewolf?
–the therewolf! Thus Oslerrson son of
Beerwolfson buries his cleak-cum-bloodaxe into the maiden’s skull, beats
his chest and screams into evening sky,” I AM BEERWOLF, THANE OF MORDOR, SLAYER
OF THE BEHEMOTH FROM BOURNEMOUTH !” All hail the dragon-slayer of St Georges
who grossed 8 over-a record at our spiritual home. Joint second were DA and The
Wee Beast they call East who took some succour in winning the Big Bird Trophy
with 2 fine birdies vs one each from Mike Capitano Davis, the Warlord, Barnesy
and the legend that is Newnorseman. Winner of the lowest putts and therefore
holder of the Doctor’s Putter is Vlad the patented in-fader, Barnes himself
with an average of 32.67 from 3 outings. Less is clearly more for the
hard-working pettifogger from Brighthelmstone. Lastly, there must be a special
mention for the Most Improved Player of the season who would surely have been
the proud wearer of the over-sized Red Jacket had it not been for a missed
game, Paul East.
And so the Viking hoard shove off the
beach of the sand Witch and set sail for the Northlands. Beerwolfson casts a
final glance over the receding dunes and fancies he espies the form of a maiden
fair beckoning him back. Siren-like she sings sweetly but not even she can turn
the thoughts of Beerwolf and crew from curry and ale at Westerham where beer
and tall tales completed the day, the final day of the 2008 season.
Thus spoke the elders in the great mead
hall story-telling competition. The son of Werewolf? - The Therewolf!, Dufus asks Beerwolfson
whether he doth know the furrie tale of the cup. “Know it?”, he says, “I
fucking wrote it!”
Player
|
Exact H/C
before
event |
Meddle
Score Today (Par 70)
|
Adj To H/C (max +/- 2)
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
HOOM Before Game
|
HOOM Points Today
|
HOOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
14.5 |
+10 |
-1.5 |
13.0 |
13 |
56 |
16 |
72 |
|
PB |
15.2 |
+13 |
-0.6 |
14.6 |
15 |
12 |
10 |
22 |
|
DA |
17.1 |
+13 |
-1.2 |
15.9 |
16 |
54 |
14 |
68 |
|
NM |
16.5 |
+20 |
+0.9 |
17.4 |
17 |
46 |
6 |
52 |
|
PE |
12.5 |
+10 |
-0.9 |
11.6 |
12 |
56 |
12 |
68 |
|
AF |
21.0 |
dnp |
- |
21.0 |
21 |
19 |
- |
19 |
|
PK |
22.0 |
dnp |
- |
22.0 |
22 |
8 |
- |
8 |
|
MD |
25.3 |
+22 |
-1.2 |
24.1 |
24 |
27 |
8 |
35 |
|
RSG (13/11/08) |
|
HO |
PB |
DA |
NM |
PE |
MD |
JT (g) |
Les |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Front 9 (stableford) |
|
17 |
20 |
19 |
17 |
19 |
13 |
19 |
14 |
|
Back 9 (stableford) |
|
24 |
18 |
21 |
16 |
20 |
24 |
19 |
18 |
|
18 holes (stableford) |
|
41 |
38 |
40 |
33 |
39 |
37 |
38 |
32 |
|
Position (HOOM) |
|
1 |
4 |
2 |
6 |
3 |
5 |
|
|
|
3's (gross) (4 holes) |
|
0 |
2 |
2 |
2 |
1 |
4 |
2 |
1 |
|
Eagles / Birdies |
|
|
1 |
|
|
2 |
1 |
1 |
1 |
|
FIR |
|
8 |
6 |
5 |
5 |
7 |
9 |
13 |
11 |
|
GIR |
|
5 |
7 |
4 |
5 |
5 |
5 |
4 |
5 |
|
Putts (18 holes) |
|
31 |
33 |
34 |
35 |
30 |
33 |
32 |
32 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
RSG Winnings |
|
£24 |
£9 |
|
|
£10 |
£1 |
£1 |
£1 |