The One where the Laughing Maharajah Takes up the Slack

Whilst Stato and Easto Falter

Venue: East Sussex

Date: 14 October 2008

Players (members)	Players (allies)	Deserters
HO	JT	Barnes
DA		Kneath
NM		Fry
PE
MD

Yes, battle resumed at the East Sussex National on a fair, if slightly stodgy, October day, with the Usual Suspects (DA, MD (nee Taff now Tweet Tweet) PE, NM, HO) in attendance under the generously banner of our host guest (but hopefully soon to be fully enscripted) James “ Roi de Grrrrrrr” Tierney

Fallen heroes : Paul Sassoon Barnes ( Somme ’14), Alan (gunner Graham) Fry, Bombadier Bantock, Pat (shrapnel in the shoulder) Kneath.

Never in the field of golfing history has so much twaddle been written by one with so few wins about others who’ve won so many times. So here we are at the penultimate game of the 2008 season and as the raging economic storm fells corporate giants, our growing band of Corinthians play on. Fearless of what tomorrow will bring, as presidents come and presidents go, the band of brothers play with their eyes on the prize. Can someone catch Easto with the jacket almost on his back?

East Sussex has been the venue for many a clash of the Titans. It was here that Harvey won the inaugural Jacket in 2005. After that the HOOM has not played here competitively, and so welcomed the kind offer from resident Warlord JT to host this crucial game.

HO and DA took up the gauntlet thrown down by the Warlord to a warm-up skirmish at first dawn on the East course. Anyone who has played this long beast knows in wet conditions with no run-on, the course becomes a long-hitting, slogfest of a marathon. But this was still not enough of a challenge for JT who dared us to play off the golds thus stretching the course to its maximum 7134 yds with the pins still in their tough weekend tournament positions.

JT’s first drive of the day did not auger well and after a perfunctory look was declared lost in battle. Whilst he showed a lot of pluck and fought back, it was a duel between DA and HO. At the turn DA held a narrow lead and ended up holding HO back till the final few holes. HO took to the 18th tee box needing an eagle. He found sand and then throwing caution to the wind pulled out his 2 iron and nearly pulled off the shot of the season, narrowly clearing the bunker lip and spearing towards the green in Kamikaze fashion, only to land in a greenside bunker. Harvey, you are worthy competitor but you really have to sharpen up your 2 irons out the bunker! (tsk tsk). So the am belonged to DA going round in 13 over, which must go down as one of the top performances of the year in the conditions.

However, the pm’s game was the big one with 10 big points on offer. It was an opportunity for PE to put the matter beyond doubt or for HO to gain on PE and have him in the rear view mirror at Sandwich. Or will DA record his first win of the year after being denied a win at Hardelot and being pipped by 1 pt at Tandridge. A nervous silence reigned at luncheon as Bonecrusher got up to shake hands with PE and NM who both wisely went for the fist bump but what was this…it looked like JT was offering his hand in the direction of Taffy’s vice-like grip? What a schoolboy error. To a man the others looked on aghast thinking it would be a full 24 hrs before he regained the feeling in his hand. But there was not a flinch nor a grimace as JT met Mike’s eyes in what appeared to be admiration. Had the Bonecrusher met his match ? Watch out for the next instalment on WWF handwrestling …

The game started poorly for the first group (HO, JT and DA); DA virtually on the tee buffoonishly had to beat a hasty retreat to change out of his dress shoes and back into his spikes. On his return he found that HO had foozled one but JT was looking good. Landing his approach just short of the green he calmly proceeded to chip in for a birdie. Out with the hip flask and a big HOORAH for the Warlord’s first birdie with the Last Hoorah. Congrats. The celebrations clearly had upset him as he smacked his next drive imperiously into the nearest available tree. It then became another mano y mano, Aspey vs. Osler duel with nip being traded for tuck, and ding for dong. But always in the background we felt the presence of the laughing Assassin, Bonding, James Bonding. India’s version of George Lazenby. Indeed, looking over our shoulder we saw a mighty drive on the 1st leaving him a mere flick-and-a-kick to make the green and par. On the 6th we saw another powerful drive but his touch around the green let him down. The long par 3 7th was a walk in the park. No wonder he took the front 9 with a respectable 21 pts. To celebrate, he launched another monster drive on the 10th.

Group one pressed on with JT’s putter getter hotter and hotter (he finished on 29 putts!) HO played 10 and 11 well. But after a goodish drive on 12 he found himself stymied behind a tree. His 9 iron over the tree was never seen again. It looked like a door of opportunity had creaked ajar. DA knew what he had to do and effortlessly knocked his wedge-for-safety in the stream. Henceforth let me called “DOUFUS the Douchebag”!! The early morning 18 was beginning to take its toll on group 1 as the conversation dried up to be replaced with curses and groans. My failing spirits were not helped by some oaf shouting at me over a crucial putt on the 13th. Annoyed and out of sorts, I drove the buggy far too fast downhill to be confronted by Mad Mike Davis proceeding with what can only be described as reckless abandon. Childishly, it seemed only a game of chicken could resolve this tricky situation. HO and DA closed their eyes and braced themselves for the inevitable collision. Both carts juddered to a halt, steam issuing from Taffy’s ears as his wheel fell off. Seeing our wheels were still in tact, we waved Mike a cheery goodbye and went jauntily on our way. At the next bend however we deduced all was not well with the steering mechanism as turning the wheel right made little effect on our course. Travelling at a snail’s pace we made it to the car park and sheepishly handed over the keys. Pity the poor sap to use next the wonky chariot.

The final holes went in a blur. On the 18th tee we saw NM’s approach fly over the green never to be claimed again. My last drive of the day found a tree but luckily the ball rebounded onto the fairway. HO was less than congratulatory but he had nothing to fear as I skinned it in the bunker heading for a stinky 6. A 5 would have been enough to beat the Laughing Maharajah as he rallied on the last to bag a fine par. As Easto’s par putt slipped by, he had the world-weary air of one who had not enjoyed the rub o’ the green. And yet he shared the honours on the back 9 with HO with a commendable 20 pts apiece.

So to the clubhouse for the post-mortem and a moment of high drama as Stato ruled that NM and DA had finished even-stevens on 39 pts. Not for us the perfidious countback system used by lesser societies (just as well as I’d have it lost that one good and proper). No. We had to find out who had scored the most eagles, birdies and pars and failing that Osler had to produce the savoury biscuit…Thankfully, we did not come to that as the records clearly showed that with a laudable 9 pars vs. my 4 Nicholas Nikhil Mc Muccccckergeeee had won. Hip hip hoorah!!!!

Let the record show MD, HO and DA adjourned to the North Uckfield curry house to chew over the game and tell tales of a young solicitor in the early days of this Honourable Society who won an outing only to lose his winnings and more over an ill-advised game of spoof at that self-same resto. Ah, happy halcyon days of youth “along whose happy highways I once went and cannot come spoof again”.

And now to the grand finale, Royal St Georges and glory beckons. All is still very much in the air as HO and PE are now neck-and-neck with DA only 2 behind and double points on offer. HO is in the big bird trophy lead (by only 1 from DA, NM and PE) and PB is ahead in the Doctor’s putter comp. Hie thee to Sandwich, my merry band and let the Devil take the hindmost.

The Stats ...

Handicaps & HOOM

Player	Exact H/C before event	Meddle Score Today (Par 70)	Adj To H/C (max +/- 2)	New Exact H/C	New Playing H/C	HOOM Before Game	HOOM Points Today	HOOM After Game
HO	15.1	+13	-0.6	14.5	15	50	6	56
PB	15.2	dnp	-	15.2	15	12	-	12
DA	18.0	+15	-0.9	17.1	17	47	7	54
NM	17.4	+14	-0.9	16.5	17	38	8	46
PE	12.5	+13	-	12.5	13	51	5	56
AF	21.0	dnp	-	21.0	21	19	-	19
PK	22.0	dnp	-	22.0	22	8	-	8
MD	23.3	+30	+2.0	25.3	25	23	4	27