Minutes from the
Royal & Ancient Last Hoorah’s all day meeting at Ashdown Forest
Held on 15th July
in the year of our lord Paul East 2008
Or
The Roar of the
Rajah follows
A Brief Encounter
with the Thong
Anal Fry, Hosler,
Nikhil, East, Taffy, Aspergers
Apologies
Barnes
Kneath
Guests
Cloudy am but scorchio pm
Gentlemen, gentlemen, what tales of derring-do have
I for you this month? (Don’t you just hate rhetorical questions? I ask you,
what is their point? Please excuse my little joke; it is my sovereign duty to
immortalise you all through these minutes as I feel our destinies have been
conjoined in the heat of the day. Together our tribulations have been shared
and our triumphs magnified. Royal Ashdown takes no quarter and shows no mercy
with her heather, hills and rills. Bunkerless she maybe but she’ll birch your
bare buttocks if ye stray from the straight and narrow. And if you find
yourself puffing as you climb to her summit the views will leave you breathless
from her wild beauty. But enough of this twaddle, I hear you testily sigh, what
of the great game? It is a tale of highs and lows as the mighty Maharajah waxes
and wanes in the midday sun, the thong takes the afternoon money and ends up
sharing the overall lead with that Hooravian stalwart, the Auditor himself
(shame about that copper’s windscreen you broke with your errant drive at
Mid-Sussex G.C.)
It all began with breakfast which was decent enough
and indeed the “meet-and-greet” was much better than in 2006. HO repaired to
the practice ground but having failed to hit any stray dogs or their owners
trudged off to the 1st on the West. Here the Sacred Scrotum spilled forth its
seed on the greensward ordaining that first off were AF, NM and PE. Ominously,
there was a jaunty spring in the step of the Princely one and a knowing twinkle
in his eye. His drive was the definition of a natural blonde (being a fair
crack up the middle). Some might say it was nipple-sucker (as it opened up the
hole). It certainly set him en route for a perfect par start. Alan betrayed his
Romany roots as his first shot found heather as did his second. This isn’t the
stuff your mum sells in Crawley cos, Alan, it’s not that lucky! Well, buoyed by
his promising start Nick then double-bogeyed the next but less of that as he
birdied the 5th and came to the turn with a winning total of 23 points. I told
you that no good will come of playin’ him off 18!!!! HO’s 19 points did him no
disservice but one bad shot on the 9th brought with it doubts and a sharp
downturn in his fortune as he amassed only 9 pts on the way home. His
distraction came in the form of a group of small schoolchildren out on a nature
trail. Camping on the edge of the 18th fairway was none too clever as the
bright-eyed ones amongst them could clearly observe the rara avis Oslerblobblob
and his characteristic cry, “ Get those fucking kids out of here!” They were
however given an object lesson in putting as the Auditor took the money with a
creditable 28 putts.
Inspired by NM’s play, Easto shot birdie at the
tricky 4th and on the back 9 “opens his
legs to show his class” as Coleman would say to birdie 10th, bag 22 pts and
take the money. But NM with 19 big boy pts on the back 9 takes the morning’s
maximum score and with it 8 HOOM points. This course is a happy hunting ground
for his Rajship as who can forget his eagle on the 14th which went down in
Hoorahvian history. By my reckoning the Laird won the par 3 comp (over 36
holes) with NM coming second (being the gentleman lover that he is). NM and PE
also helped themselves to the birdie pot. The greedy beggars. In the clubhouse,
the magnitude of his magnificence overcame the Rajah as he blissed out on
chips, Chablis and a goodly spread of sarnies. Indeed, he giggled girlishly at
just about anything that was said to him.
And so to the Royal in the pm and the return of
Taffy Davies fresh from his hill farm in the Black Mountains where the lambing
this year has been particularly difficult but he did enjoy the singing at the
Eisteddfod, isn’t it? The man mountain started brightly with 18 pts and
finished commendably 3rd hitting 10 fairways. Well done, Taffy. But what of our
morning’s vindaloo hot victor? Time and time again NM forsook the fairway and
indeed on the 8th went from tee to green via nothing but heather. What a purple
passage! His misery was compounded by the steady procession of 3 aged gentlemen
who played through us with perfect drives and approach shots, no doubt on their
way to a standard par. It’s enough to make one Sic… transit Gloria mundi was
the phrase that readily came to mind.
“Sometimes, too hot the eye of heaven shines” as
Willy Woggledagger once wrote. And so it was as the sun burnt through the
morning’s cloud. High up on the Old course there is no shade and rapidly the
Raj melted. Despite a fine shot on the 14th, a mighty drive on the 10th and the judicious use of his ticklestick
around the greens, his crown slipped and he trailed in last. My enduring memory
is of him listless and leaning on the 18th flagstick for support, the rigours
of 36 holes etched on his courtly countenance. He tried to speak but the words
came out all wrong and half way into the sentence he gave up. His silence spoke
volumes. As for the rest of us, AF came 4th but shared the par 3 comp. with HO
and JT. As for James ( the only warlord you’ll meet in shorts), he seemed
invigorated after lunch and despite not playing his best was damned chipper
about it all singing the praises of the course. I did witness him hit the shot
of the day. A 3wood on the 10th from a hanging lie out of thick rough, he hit
it blindly 210 yds to within 10 feet of the flag. Despite all the bad bounces
the course threw at him he set his head at a jaunty angle and took it on the
chin. Makes one proud to be British. Anytime you fancy a game, James, you will
always be more than welcome amongst the Hoorahvians. HO by his own standards
had a “quiet” game but hit a monster drive on the 5th to set up an eagle putt
which slid by left him with a tap in birdie. A good par on the long par 3 14th
inspired him home with pars on the difficult 16th and 17th.
It was fitting that in the hot weather which made
us all a bit betty swollocks ( if you follow my meaning) the thong prevailed.
Y-fronts when you can swing like he can ? In brief, 19 pts out and 20 pants
home was enough for Easto to be called the winner, undies-putedly. He had
“wedgied” the lot of us as he shares the lead with HO even after having missed
a game. Capt. Underpants, we salute you.
And so the golfing caravanserai trundles on to
Wimbledon. Who will be the Great Uncle Bulgaria? Will Madame Cholet? And why do
I stop taking my medication? See you all on the 19th August. As it’s an all
dayer followed by dinner at the finest Thai resto in Fulham High St, I think we
will be requiring the services of The Man with the Golden Van.
May your god go with you and remember… show me a man that laughs at defeat and I’ll show you a carribean chiropodist
Ashdown photos posted here
______________________________________________________
Note from Stato – to make the treasurer’s job easier (!) we agreed to put £10 in for both rounds, with MD putting in £5 for the pm round, with birdies and putting being amalgamated over the two rounds (MD to double his single round)
Note,
our system takes each round in turn for H/C adjustment but the second round
adjustment is limited by the first round due to our rule that there cannot be a
greater adjustment than +/- 3 on a single day!
Phew
.....
Vital Statistics ...
|
Ashdown – West Course (am) |
|
HO |
DA |
NM |
PE |
AF
|
MD |
JT (g) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Front 9 (stableford) |
|
19 |
17 |
23 |
18 |
18 |
|
16 |
|
Back 9 (stableford) |
|
9 |
19 |
19 |
22 |
13 |
|
14 |
|
18 holes (stableford) |
|
28 |
36 |
42 |
40 |
31 |
|
30 |
|
Position (HOOM) |
|
5 |
3 |
1 |
2 |
4 |
|
|
|
HOOM points |
|
4 |
6 |
8 |
7 |
5 |
|
|
|
Gross score (Par 68) |
|
90 |
84 |
80 |
80 |
91 |
|
87 |
|
3’s gross (5 holes) |
|
+7 |
+5 |
+5 |
+5 |
+8 |
|
+4 |
|
Eagles / Birdies |
|
|
|
1 |
2 |
|
|
|
|
FIR |
|
7 |
7 |
3 |
3 |
1 |
|
4 |
|
GIR |
|
3 |
2 |
7 |
7 |
5 |
|
3 |
|
Putts (18 holes) |
|
28 |
29 |
30 |
32 |
34 |
|
31 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ashdown - Old Course (pm) |
|
HO |
DA |
NM |
PE |
AF |
MD |
JT (g) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Front 9 (stableford) |
|
16 |
18 |
15 |
19 |
16 |
18 |
14 |
|
Back 9 (stableford) |
|
14 |
16 |
10 |
20 |
11 |
14 |
7 |
|
18 holes (stableford) |
|
30 |
34 |
25 |
39 |
27 |
32 |
21 |
|
Position (HOOM) |
|
4 |
2 |
6 |
1 |
5 |
3 |
|
|
HOOM points |
|
5 |
7 |
3 |
8 |
4 |
6 |
|
|
Gross score (Par 72) |
|
92 |
90 |
101 |
85 |
99 |
98 |
97 |
|
3’s gross (4 holes) |
|
+3 |
+4 |
+5 |
+4 |
+3 |
+7 |
+3 |
|
Eagles / Birdies |
|
1 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
FIR |
|
5 |
5 |
5 |
7 |
2 |
10 |
5 |
|
GIR |
|
7 |
3 |
2 |
4 |
1 |
1 |
2 |
|
Putts (18 holes) |
|
34 |
34 |
33 |
32 |
33 |
34 |
40 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Aggregate Putts |
|
62 |
63 |
63 |
64 |
67 |
68 |
71 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ashdown Winnings |
|
£9 |
|
£19 |
£32 |
£2 |
£2 |
£2 |
-£1 c/f (as we only put £65 in (NM now holds
£15 in pot)
After West Course
(am)
Player
|
Exact H/C
before
event |
Meddle
Score Today (Par 70)
|
Adj To H/C (max +/- 2)
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
HOOM Before Game
|
HOOM Points Today
|
HOOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
13.6 |
+22 |
15.6 |
15.6 |
16 |
34 |
4 |
38 |
|
PB |
15.2 |
dnp |
- |
15.2 |
15 |
12 |
- |
12 |
|
DA |
16.2 |
+16 |
- |
16.2 |
16 |
29 |
6 |
35 |
|
NM |
17.8 |
+12 |
-1.8 |
16.0 |
16 |
21 |
8 |
29 |
|
PE |
15.8 |
+12 |
-1.2 |
14.6 |
15 |
28 |
7 |
35 |
|
AF |
18.0 |
+23 |
+1.5 |
19.5 |
20 |
10 |
5 |
15 |
|
PK |
22.0 |
dnp |
- |
22.0 |
22 |
8 |
- |
8 |
|
MD |
21.3 |
dnp |
- |
21.3 |
21 |
17 |
- |
17 |
After
Old Course (pm)
Player
|
Exact H/C
before
event |
Meddle
Score Today (Par 70)
|
Adj To H/C (max +/- 2)
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
HOOM Before Game
|
HOOM Points Today
|
HOOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
15.6 |
+20 |
16.6 (m) |
16.6 |
17 |
38 |
5 |
43 |
|
PB |
15.2 |
dnp |
- |
15.2 |
15 |
12 |
- |
12 |
|
DA |
16.2 |
+18 |
+0.6 |
16.8 |
17 |
35 |
7 |
42 |
|
NM |
16.0 |
+29 |
+2.0 |
18.0 |
18 |
29 |
3 |
32 |
|
PE |
14.6 |
+13 |
-0.6 |
14.0 |
14 |
35 |
8 |
43 |
|
AF |
19.5 |
+27 |
+21.0(m) |
21.0 |
21 |
15 |
4 |
19 |
|
PK |
22.0 |
dnp |
- |
22.0 |
22 |
8 |
- |
8 |
|
MD |
21.3 |
+26 |
+2.0 |
23.3 |
23 |
17 |
6 |
23 |