La Societie de Golf du Dernier Cri
Ou
“Le Mangetout Tour”
Venue: Les
Pins (nice bloke our Les)
Date : 16
ieme Juin
Les Jouers: Michel
“ Yakky-dar” Davies (oui, oui il est du pays des galles)
Pat
“mangetout” Kneath
Herge
L’Osler
Monsieur
Nicolas Sarkosy Mukherjay
Daviiid
Screla-spey
Les Guests: David
Ripper Sutcliffe
Transport: Three
cheers for Ian
Apologies from the Pauls, East and Barnes. One still had no passport
from last year…(buffoon) and the other was working all hours. Next year, Paul,
you’ll be a millionaire.
Bonjour mes petits filous, it is zat time of
year when zee venerable Last Oorahvian tunnels ‘is way zouth in zearch of
Liberte, Fraternite and “spank-one-off-zee-first-tee”. So here are the minutes
of ze annual French meeting for all those true-born Englishmen and women. And
for those of you unfortunate enough not to be true-born English, a man or a
woman, I hope you’ll read on to the end as a mark of decent respect.
Let me begin with praise for the sheep-shagging
closet Taffy that is Mike Davies as he organized Ian “the wheels” to run
us over there. Unlike most Welshmen he’s neither little nor dark nor
monkey-looking but I bet he’s got a lamp on his helmet. Anyways, Mike started
the round well and tied with DA and HO on the front 9 with 19pts. Thanks to a
fine birdie on the 7th he should have taken the money had it not for HO also
getting a birdie on the 1st which being a tougher hole ( S.I. 6 versus S.I.18)
took the dosh. An ominous start that from the current leader of the HOOM who
was half-asleep on the way over and only awoke when Mike took the lead on the
Pink Beret stakes as he allowed Ian to drive off the M20 to get to Ashford
International station NOT the tunnel terminal. The pink beret by the way Mike
is awarded to the buffoon of the day. But you didn’t win that either as there
was worse to come.
We crossed the channel I thought in some
style watching Bond movies. No wonder Ian won “best Brighton Cabbie” award. I
think we’ll be using his services again. The sun shone and all was proceeding
to plan even having time for a croque monsieur before the off. The sacred
scrotum of Fate decided that Ripper, Mangetout and Taff should start whilst the
rest brought up the rear. Right from the off the pattern of the day was laid
out. A cagey 3 iron from the dullard auditor found the fairway, the tree lovers
CB and NM went straight in there up to their nuts in the wood whilst DA topped
one up the middle with his ladyboy 3 wood. The greens were glassy, pure and a
joy to putt on as my 25 ft effort nearly made it but L’Osler slipped in a
tricky one for a regulation birdie. One of the delights of the course is the
glimpse of pretty chalets through the trees spoilt only by the loud-mouthed
occupants guffawing in the middle of our tee shots on the 3rd tee. C’est la
vie, Rodders.
By the looks of it Pat started out brightly
but then had 3 blobs on the trot. MD, when asked what the high points of the
round were, mentioned that Pat often had to be restrained from masturbating. However,
his erect penis did come in handy (no pun intended) when lining up Mike’s
monster birdie putt on the 7th.
Ah, all was well with the world at the turn
as the champagne was uncorked and the blue smoke of cigars curled through the
canopy of the Edwardian pines. But then into every paradise a little rain must
fall. Unfortunately, this stuff was unrelenting. It was the type of
precipitation that could take the crease out of one’s trews. And worse was to
come as donner followed blitzen. All this however did nothing to dampen a few
diehards as we reached the par 3 12th.
In his haste to get off the green NM played hockey with his ball and raced off
to the relative safety of the buggy with a soggy CB. But on the green lay HO
within 10’ whilst DA was bunkered. They had been neck-and-neck till then and
L’Osler scented blood. Aspey splashed out and coaxed in the putt for par. The
pressure mounted, the atmosphere heavy with electricity as HO settled over the
putt. Another deafening thunderclap went unheeded as did the lightning that lit
up the sky. Osler’s putt was on its way…halfway there time slowed down, Osler’s
face streaked with rain looked skyward, the putter fell from his grip and the
ball dropped from view. The applause rang out from the thunderous clouds and
all sprinted for cover.
The rain affected the scoring from thereon.
NM’s decent scoring on the front 9 petered out on the back 9 with just a
further six points – the par 3’s were definitely NM’s nemesis of the day. The
writer did bend a 5 iron around trees on the par 5 15th to get back onto the
fairway Barnesy-esque to get Osler back in his sights but had a torrid time on
the edge of the 16th green going up the slope only for the ball to dribble back
again 3 times! Thankfully, the Ripper saw it and sympathized with howls of
derision. HO’s 3 wood to the green and two putts for a par on the last tied the
scores but his earlier birdie on the 12th took the back 9 and overall. Well
done, Stato or should that be Electro. Let the record note that HO was the
first to be awarded the Mangetout Trophy kindly donated by Mr P. Kneath, a
gentleman.
Afterwards, there was a swift glass of
pastis and off to Mme Cholet’s where champagne was followed by a magnum of
Pommerol ’85 washing down some of the juiciest charolais steak that melted
without chewing. Taffy Davies showed some gastronomic bravery opting for snails
in sweety wrappers. CB was on notice that the minimum order from the cheese
trolley was 6. He surpassed himself with 7. Meanwhile, L’Osler was busy destroying
l’entente cordial with his words of wit which only enraged the waiter. The pink
beret was surely his? NM purred through the meal like a cat with his cream.
After endless toasts to “absent friends”, Tom Simpson the architect of the
Pines etc it was time to get l’addition. At this point all got a bad case of
indigestion!
On the way over, Taffy produced a hip flask
and a miniature which fuelled the singing from the back of the bus which was
far too often ,too loud and too flat. MD fell asleep thus proving HE IS NO
WELSHMAN!
And that’s your lot. Well almost as I have
forgotten a little incident with the UK passport control who pulled me out of
the bus to remind me that my passport expired in 3 hours. I did feel a bit of a
Perineum (something between a cunt and an arsehole). Thankfully, he let me
pass. However, I think travelling on a passport on the day of expiry without
even knowing earns me the Pink Beret as does introducing the game ‘Woodpeckers’
only to lose it on the 18th owing £2.20 x 3. To pile Pelion upon Ossa, I scored
the same points as Osler only to lose both front and back 9’s and suffer a cut
in my HCP!
Hardelot photos posted here and here
Note for the auditor – DA hit an impressive
10 out of 13 fairways!
Vital Statistics
...
|
Les Pins 13/05/08 |
|
HO |
DA |
NM |
PK
|
MD |
CB (g) |
DS (g) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Front 9 (stableford) |
|
19 |
19 |
13 |
11 |
19 |
11 |
9 |
|
Back 9 (stableford) |
|
19 |
19 |
6 |
9 |
14 |
10 |
13 |
|
18 holes (stableford) |
|
38 |
38 |
19 |
20 |
33 |
21 |
22 |
|
Position (HOOM) |
|
1 |
2 |
5 |
4 |
3 |
|
|
|
HOOM points |
|
8 |
7 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
|
|
Gross score (Par 71) |
|
85 |
88 |
107 |
109 |
96 |
108 |
107 |
|
3’s gross (5 holes) |
|
+1 |
+3 |
+12 |
+12 |
+4 |
+8 |
+6 |
|
Eagles
/ Birdies |
|
2 |
- |
- |
- |
1 |
- |
- |
|
FIR |
|
7 |
10 |
5 |
7 |
6 |
3 |
|
|
GIR |
|
6 |
5 |
2 |
4 |
2 |
2 |
|
|
Putts (18 holes) |
|
34 |
37 |
41 |
43 |
36 |
42 |
39 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Les Pins Winnings |
|
£30 |
|
|
|
£8 |
|
|
£4
birdie pot held over plus previous £12 (NM now holds £16 in pot)
Player
|
Exact H/C
before event |
Meddle
Score Today
(Par 70)
|
Adj To H/C
(max +/- 2)
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing
H/C
|
HOOM Before
Game
|
HOOM Points
Today
|
HOOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
14.2 |
+12 |
-0.6 |
13.6 |
14 |
26 |
8 |
34 |
|
PB |
15.2 |
dnp |
- |
15.2 |
15 |
12 |
- |
12 |
|
DA |
16.8 |
+15 |
-0.6 |
16.2 |
16 |
22 |
7 |
29 |
|
NM |
15.8 |
+34 |
+2.0 |
17.8 |
18 |
17 |
4 |
21 |
|
PE |
15.8 |
dnp |
- |
15.8 |
16 |
28 |
- |
28 |
|
AF |
18.0 |
dnp |
- |
18.0 |
18 |
10 |
- |
10 |
|
PK |
20.0 |
+36 |
+2.0 |
22.0 |
22 |
3 |
5 |
8 |
|
MD |
20.5 |
+23 |
+0.8 |
21.3 |
21 |
11 |
6 |
17 |