MINUTES OF THE LAST HOORAH GOLF SOCIETY MEETING

AT LA MER, LE TOUQUET

Tuesday 25th September 2007

Present:	The Linksman 07 La Valise	Apologies:	The Thong (missing out on the chance of a triple victory)
	Le Docteur		Pas De C
Guests:	Legendary Les
	Ray (Roy) Thomo

Allons mes enfants de la societe, le jour de Gloire est arrive! The Lure of La Mer being one of the toughest courses in northern France was irresistible to the fabled Last Hoorah Golfing Society. The course is renowned for its large dunes, narrow fairways and cruel greens but ultimately it is great fun with striking views. Rated in Europe’s top 100 it has in the past hosted 14 championships in its early years including two French opens and a German Open (as organised by Herr Hitler –hcp unknown). During the war, the course was heavily mined by the Hun and many years were taken to restore this Colt classic (aficionados of Colt will note the striking similarity to the par five-long par three start of Rye with La Mer). The second hole in particular is a masterclass in sadism at 200 yards + with the approach from the right shielded by a large dune and by the left by trees and bushes. As tough a test of golf as can be found in northern France (although Wimereux is apparently a good cliff top classic). Indeed it rivals Britain’s best links such as Sandwich and Deal although regrettably the sea is not as prominent a feature as it is at Kingsbarns or Hayling Island but stray away from the fairway and its bonjour Tristesse!

The day started with devastating news that the princely one had taken compassionate leave. Our thoughts go out to the M. family together with our wishes that they flourish anew. So there it was, no sea for No C but the galaxy of the Osler family became a galaxy of golfing Goliaths for waiting in the car park of the Hickstead Little Chef, the docteur found legendary Les, bright eyed and full of beans clearly relishing the prospect of teeing it up with the Last Hoorah after bowing out on several occasions. Then Ray (or Roy as he is known in England) Thompson a single figure golfer of some renown hove in to view. The last time the writer saw this laid back character was when he scored 3 under (gross) at East Brighton in August. La Valise was dropped off courtesy of Parcel Force but followers of the Last Hoorah will have recognised the subtle change in the boy wonder’s golf – steadier off the tee, more deadly around the greens and now he headed off to La Belle France assured of leading the HOOM in Nick’s absence (if he triumphed).Oh, what did the golfing gods have in store for the feckless five?.

Who knows as the galaxy roared in to the car park with Harvey, Lord of the Links looking boisterous with a knowing twinkle in his eye as another Links Course victory looked in the bag. This would place him back in the pack of the HOOM which would be a fair reflection of his current form particularly after lifting the Linksman Trophy at Rye last month and hovering with intent near the top of Div.1 of the Southover G.S..

As for Le Docteur, the buffoonish one was trying out a new combo of plus 4’s and moustache/cravat – surely this would work a charm? Rather, he thought.

Within minutes of departure, Le Valise came over all Jamie Oliver (what an image) and got his baps out for the boys – hoorah! The company spirits palpably lifted by the glorious clear but cold blue skies overhead they bowled up the M23 across the M25 and down the M20 and reached the Euro Tunnel in time for coffee and a croissant. A brief moment was spent contemplating the loss of Easto whose cheeky chappy presence was denied us by a calamitous mix up in the laundry department seeing his UK passport get well and truly laundered. I still think we could have smuggled him under the Channel in my golf bag. He would have been quite snug amongst my tee pegs. But quite rightly we decided not to take the risk of spreading his rabid, lingerie-wearing habits to the French. Quel fromage (as Mr D Trotter would say).

The crossing went well but within 5 kilometres of Le Touquet the heavens opened. The golfing gods were surely trying to dampen our mood but we few, we happy few, feared not. Ray swore that we were chasing the clouds south on his side of the van whilst Les on the other side thought that they were moving north – were we in the middle of a tornado? We need not have worried for as we spiked up and drove our buggies across La Foret, the sun broke through and the wind died down. Could this be La Mer lowering her defences in the face of friendly Francophiles? It was agreed that following the team photo Linksy and Ledge would head off and the rest would meet up and we would continue as a five ball. The starter was welcoming and bade us “bonne chance!”. The opening drives were ominously good, worthy of the honours that were to befall both later.

In the next three ball Ray found the cut stuff to murmurs of approval from the audience but Valise overdid his patented fade and hooked into bushes. Le Docteur in total sympathy with his plight followed suit. Unfortunately Paul’s recovery was a Mushtaq Ahmed (middle stumping les arbres). It was to be a slow start for the luggage laggard whilst soon to be buffoon the year, Aspey made a net par as did Ray and indeed Linksy. Despite two good shots Les’ approach flew the green but a long put did the trick. Then onto the long and difficult par three second. Ledge hit a beautiful shot into the heart of the green with his bladed two iron whilst Thomo hit a three iron just short. Barnsey pushed out to the right onto the bank of a huge dune whilst Linksy hit a three iron pin high but to the right. Aspey mucked up and foozled one into the heather but wedged into the middle of the green and two putted. Les’ birdie putt raced by but he made the one back and Thomo solidly made par. After the third where again Ledge got his buttocks behind a huge drive right up the middle, the suitcase came up on one which topspun to the front of the fairway. HO knocked one left but in play but regrettably Thomo lost his out right. The green was found by a few and Valise steadied the ship with a fine up and down. The next was a par five where Ledge hooked his second into rubbish and failed to get out whilst Thomo from a tight lie next to the bunker played a sublime lob shot and made par. DA and HO made pars whilst Barnsey settled for bogey. The next holes were an interesting par 4 into a green slower than we all thought with the one after a pretty two shotter. Here Harvey’s approach found the sand from which he got out and nearly chipped in with his next shot. 7 was a tough par three with a small green heavily defended by bunkers Valise knocked one left but found it and recovered well for a par whilst DA found the green and three putted (what a knob-jockey!).

On the next hole the lake came into play and unfortunately Valise found it unerringly. Les smacked a beaute up the middle but his second went out at right angles (a shank?). The next was an even tougher hole and quite rightly stroke index 1 with the water waiting to catch a hook which unfortunately was Harvey’s next shot. DA pushed one out to the right and nearly broke his ankle coming down the bank. There were blobs for DA and HO but Valise picked up points as did Les and Thomo. At the turn, Ray won the honours with 19 points DA 18, HO 17 and Valise 12.

It was time to momentarily lift one’s head from the bloody battle with this tough course and admire the views .In my humble opinion, the views outshone those at Hardelot and La Foret. The next was another tough par three with a green which seemed to reduce in size the more one looked at it. Harvey made a solid par and bogied 11 and 12 but parred the very difficult 13th par five and finished brightly with a par four for three points giving him 20 points for the back nine. Unfortunately Ray’s back nine was not up to his customary excellence and it is for the first time in the writer’s memory that after an indifferent shot his club left his grip and indeed on the 18th it seemed to have gone further than the actual ball. Les in the meantime was stacking up the points. His finest moment was a birdie on the third hole achieved by a wonderful long putt. He had 18 points on the front nine but unfortunately struggled as we all did on the back nine and managed 12 points but still finished with a commendable 35 points.

So at the 18th there were warm hand shakes and a sigh of relief all round. Paul, DA and Ray drove back (wildly along roads designed for cars –please note Ray) to the club to re-group and for the Laird of the Links to transform into the comic book figure of Stato to tally up the score sheets. Regrettably even the fluent and persuasive Valise could not get a drink out of a jobsworth of a barman so without shower we made for Le Manoir for a swift beer and trophy presentation to our worthy winner Harvey “the Linksman” Osler who laid all before him with 37 points. Le Doc handed out the largest trophy to grace his glory cabinet to date. Aye, there was some singing in the streets of Piltdown that night as Bill

McClaren would say. Time to stock up with Brasso, Harvey. Le Docteur came second with 34 and Valise with 22 points brought up the rear. As for our guests, it was legendary Les who prevailed with a very tidy 35 points and to him went the cheapest prize that the writer could find in TK Maxx but hopefully he will be bringing it back next year (for his money back).

Harvey then proceeded to give us an object lesson on how to play Killer and took more money off us indeed one spectacular shot saw not just one ball going into the back of the pocket but two. When it’s your day it really is your day, Go 4!

Horror of horrors ! It transpired that the present incumbent of the red jacket had forgotten said article of clothing which was worthy of the pink beret in itself but following a particularly fine meal at Le Manoir (a bit stingy with the cheeses) the writer assured on several occasions our driver that we were bound on the right road. In fact, we were heading on the A16 in the wrong direction and only when we were approximately 50 kilometres from Paris did the penny drop. It is with great shame that the writer humbly accepts the pink beret award which clashes horribly with the red jacket, but then that’s the lot of a buffoon!

We all got back in time to see farmers out in their sheds milking cows and to welcome the milkman cheerily on our doorsteps. One thing is for sure, I am certain that there were five sleepy golfers bedding down in the wee hours all having the same nightmares featuring a high pitched voice saying “hello, my name is Billy and I’m six inches tall, a little bit hairy and a little bit tubby, and I am looking for a feeeeeeemale, so I can…….” Well goodnight everyone and remember, we are all knob jockey cunts unless proven otherwise.

.... the vital statistics ...

ROYAL BLACKHEATH – 24 JULY 2007

	HO	PB	DA	LN	RT
Front Nine (stableford)	17	12	18	17	19
Back Nine (stableford)	20	10	16	16	13
Overall (stableford)	37	22	34	33	32
Gross score (par 72)	89	102	92	84	86
Meddle score	+17	+30	+20	+12	+14
Gross score on par 3’s (4)	+4	+3	+4	+1	+3
Eagles !!!	-	-	-	-	-
Birdies	-	-	-	1	1
FIR (14)	5	5	7	7	8
GIR	5	0	5	7	5
Putts	35	38	34	35	29

The winners for the meeting were therefore as follows:

Front Nine	RT	19 pts
Back Nine	HO	20 pts
Overall	HO	37 pts
Par 3’s (4 holes)	LN	+1
Eagles / Birdies	LN/RT	1
Putts	RT	29

The money stakes were as follows assuming £4 for each comp, £24 total in the pot

HO £8

PB £0

DA £0

LN £5

RT £9

£3 birdie pot held over

Handicaps & HOOM

Player	Exact H/C before event	Meddle Score Today	Adj To H/C	New Exact H/C	New Playing H/C	HOOM Before Game	HOOM Points Today	HOOM After Game
HO	18.0	+17	-0.3	17.7	18	16	5	21
PB	18.0	+30	N/A	18.0	18	18.5	3	21.5
DA	18.0	+20	N/A	18.0	18	17	4	21
NM	18.0	dnp	-	18.0	18	21.5	1.5	23
PE	17.1	dnp	-	17.1	17	17	1.5	18.5