THE BATTLE OF DUNKERQUE 2006
(Battle orders 13th
June 2006 – soundtrack ‘The Dambusters March’ voiceover by Winston Churchill)
“Oh we few, we happy few, we band of golfers,
For he who tees it up with me today
And English men now abed shall think themselves
accursed
They were not here and hold their manhood’s cheap
whilst they that speak
And played with us on St Osler's Day (the lucky
bastard)”
Shakespeare knew a
thing or two about golfing holidays in France and so it’s only fitting that I
open my account of the minutes of the Dunkerque trip with a quote from the
great bard of Avon (18 handicap – Stratford upon Avon GC) to describe our first
foreign sortie in the year 06 for the gentlemen of the Royal Hoorah. Regrettably it was not a morning where ‘the
wind set fair for France’ rather a series of unfortunate events saw the
following:-
·
A torrential downpour
in the morning and some murky weather in general.
·
The snake charmer and
the Right Reverend Rocky Red jacket choked down a barfing bacon buttie.
·
Problems with the self
service check in at the Euro Tunnel meant that we all had to be finished off
manually (hoorah).
·
News of the death of
the mother of a close friend of Subaltern Barnes.
·
An interminable delay
in getting on the train which even Field Marshal Osler strutting about with
this baton could not rectify.
We left Albion shores
via a secret tunnel arriving behind enemy lines with a surprise full-on assault
in the Panzer tank battle truck arriving at Dunkerque Golf Club in good time
(15 minutes late. Ah how the jolly
Gurkha Mukhergee and I tented up at the prospect of Dunkerque given their
wonderful website but sadly they had mis-represented themselves and what lay
before us a distinctly uninspiring selection of mediocre holes. Indeed at some point so ashamed were they
that they had taped black sacks over the tee markers which resembled Europe
during war time. Not only that but the
place was scattered with thieving Frenchman willing to pounce on our innocent
English balls claiming them for their own.
(Nick, my heart bleeds for you and your estranged Calloway ball, someday
I know you will see that ball again, don’t know where, don’t know when, but
some sunny day you will meet again). So
despite being sold a pup Sergeant Wilson, Captain Mainwaring and Co . sallied
forth.
An early casualty on
the first was Private Aspey who caught a whiz bang and then drowned in a trench
never to be seen again (sound of the last post – some say he was a German spy
and had to die before he jeopardised the noble War effort but surely not while
20 points were available!). The
regiment of the last Hurrah now down to three collectively jutted out their
chins, dug deep into their reserves and showed true grit in the Battle Royale of Dunkerque.
The jolly Gurkha was
first on the roll of honour with a gynaecologists assistant for a birdie on the
first and then both field marshal and major mukhergee bagged birdies on the
second. Let the record show that RJ had
a hatrick of up and downs on the first three holes but then got his
surveillance all wrong on the fourth and went for a Burton – unlucky. Meanwhile the jolly Gurkha was racking up
points galore until he met his nemesis on the sands of Nicky-Jima at the
seventh getting an Adolph Hitler and a snowman all in one hole. Nevertheless the two titans were locked
after the ninth hole on 24 points a piece but field marshal Osler winning it
with the help of Count Bach (an alliance which was to prove equally unstoppable
on the back nine). But what was this?
Something quite unnatural and most alarming was happening. Time and time again lieutenant Barnes (he of
the patented fade) was repeatedly sending his ordnance down upon the well
tended green sward with smart bomb like accuracy. Some would say he has moved to a more natural approach to the
game, free from the Garcia like twitches (simply see it, step up and hit it)
was like a grub emerging from the chrysalis of a Samsonite cocoon. This new species of butterfly aka the
Brighton Belle Beauty can very rarely be seen flitting about the fairways of
Northern France commonly found however in rough grass and woodland oddly enough
on the left hand side of any well kept piece of lawn. Unfortunately for this “natural born driller” a fine total of 41
points was only good enough to secure third place. On any other day he would have won by a reasonable distance. The minutes shall note however that Mr P
Barnes late of Chesham Street now Selbourne Road is a buffoon and a prized buffoon at that for insisting that the
England versus Trinidad and Tobago match took precedent over the last
Hurrah. Not only is this illogical
(captain) to prefer the beautiful game of golf over the unseemly chasing around
of an inflated pig’s bladder but also factually incorrect as he was unable to
read a calendar and therefore appreciate that that match was being played on
the Thursday of that week and not the Tuesday.
Finally if this isn’t proof enough of Mr Barnes being awarded the
buffoon of the month he is also innumerate; being unable to count up to
four. After his tee shot on the
fourteenth he wandered off in lonely pursuit leaving the three other members of
the regiment looking on askance still waiting for E1 to play out. Buffoon,
buffoon and thrice buffoon. Typical
of Barnes he has made amends by being a successful bidder on Ebay for a pink
beret which henceforth will be worn by the current holder of the buffoon of the
month (i.e. Paul Barnes Buffoon Hall-of-Famer).
Meanwhile once more
into the fray. It was E2 who fought
them on the beaches and established a bridgehead, took on a bridge too many and
parachuting in against enemy lines and storm troopered his way to 11 over and
42 points which considering a double blob was a feat of derring-do which no doubt
will form part of his obituary in the Daily Telegraph which we all hope will
not be for many many years. However, he
is deserving of a right good cutting of his handicap (I have played with a few
bandits in my time indeed I myself have been branded a bandit but to play you
off 17 is obscene!). But what of our
winner I hear you cry the Right Reverend Osler padre to the red jackets who
praised the lord and passed the ammunition.
We all know you can beat an egg but you just can’t beat a wanker “never
in the field of golfing endeavour has someone won so many points in so few
games”. He was at it again up and
downing three out of three on the first three holes and barring a momentary
lapse on the fourth he was one over after the first nine, 27 puts, 4 birdies
and the winner of 20 big points: D-Day was his day, well Dunkerque!
As for the writer, he
fell victim of the “organiser’s curse” and was mere collateral damage in the
hostilities. However, he did win the
loudest singing in the shower competition (shame no-one else knew the words to
my school song – odd that – obviously translated from the German). So it’s back
to the Wallace and Gromitt workshop to have the right pair of trousers fitted
and to have a nasty blow to the head looked at by Nursey (next time Osler, I’m
driving the buggy). Let the record also
show that not for the first time our winner has failed miserably to donn the
Jacket of Honour at an official Hoorah outing.
Shame on you and your kith and kin.
(Seriously if once more the other members see such disrespectful
behaviour, measures including handicap lowering will be considered!).
So the search lights
turn on sapper Barnes as he steps up to organise the next Foray. If my military intelligence is anything to
go by “Nasal’s” is his pick, just think of all the bogeys to be had up there –
‘snot worth thinking about. This
extended nose metaphor will need to be wiped out before it runs and runs –
‘snuff said.
Hip hip hurrah….. and
one for luck
Hurrah
|
|
HO |
PB |
DA |
NM |
|
Front Nine (stableford) |
24 |
22 |
13 |
24 |
|
Back Nine (stableford) |
19 |
19 |
15 |
18 |
|
Overall (stableford) |
43 |
41 |
28 |
42 |
|
Gross score (par 71) |
77 |
82 |
89 |
82 |
|
Gross score on par 3’s (4) |
+2 |
+3 |
+4 |
+1 |
|
Birdies |
4 |
0 |
0 |
1 |
|
Putts |
27 |
35 |
34 |
33 |
The winners for the meeting were therefore as
follows:
Front Nine: HO 24 points
Back Nine: HO 19 points
Overall: HO 43 points
Par 3’s: NM +1 (4 holes)
Birdies: HO 4
Each
player now puts £6 into the pot, £1 for each comp which are worth £4 each.
Prize money is as follows:
HO
£16
PB £0
DA £0
NM £5
Player
|
Exact H/C
|
Meddle
Score Today
|
Adj To H/C
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
OOM Before Game
|
OOM Points Today
|
OOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
12.8 |
+6 |
-2.1 |
10.7 |
11 |
34.5 |
20 |
54.5 |
|
PB |
15.9 |
+11 |
-1.5 |
14.4 |
14 |
16 |
6 |
22 |
|
DA |
9.9 |
+18 |
+1.6 |
11.5 |
12 |
42 |
2 |
44 |
|
NM |
17.1 |
+11 |
-1.8 |
15.3 |
15 |
25.5 |
12 |
37.5 |