MINUTES OF THE (ROYAL) LAST HOORAH GOLFING SOCIETY
DATE: 16/05/06
TOUR EVENT #4 & #5 of 2006
My
hands are still shaking and my legs are certainly still aching from the
remarkable events that unfolded at the Royal Ashdown earlier this week. The
privilege of penning this short tribute to the days falls upon me as event
organiser, and in truth I am best placed to write it as a humble onlooker for
most of the day’s great events.
First,
apologies were accepted from Sammy for being unable to play due to domestic
pressures, although he did point out that the tight left to right fairways
would have probably only earnt him 2 points anyway unless his patenteted fade
was in full flowl I have checked today and the thumb like imprint atop his
hirsute pate certainly matches the pousser of a certain Miss Bown (the
Society’s official pole dancer, although this is not public knowledge – even to
Miss Bown). Sammy was duly and unequivocally anointed buffoon-of-the-day for
having filed dates to avoid and then duly missing the event, just a week later.
The
triumvirate of Eddie, myself and the Snakecharmer gathered at the great forest
venue of Royal Ashdown bright and early, the ether a–buzz with expectation, or
perhaps it was Eddie’s flatulence or foreboding.
The
club failed to tick one of the necessary boxes in Snakecharmer’s “Good Golf
Club Guide of the Universe” by providing, in lieu of the expected joys of a
bacon buttie, a rather dry and crusty bap filled with last night’s leftover
donkey’s dick. No matter, coffee was on offer and the party was focused,
rightly so, on events to come.
After
observing a minute’s silence on the first tee box out of respect for the absent
Sammy, the party set forth. The early
pace was set by the bookie’s favourite, Eddie, who duly consolidated his
position with a sequence of pars on the front 9 to run out a clear winner with
twenty points. Much was made of my “up and down antics” but as I fairly pointed
out, I do get a lot of practice, given that I am rarely on the green in reg but
even 12 putts on the front 9 left me in Eddie’s wake, and the day had an
ominous feel to it. I sank into obscurity thereafter.
The
big shake up occurred on the 15th, a short 311 yard par 4, designed
for the patented fade. As usual, I took the go-for challenge and misfired into
the woods with my hissing cobra, whilst Eddie calmly nursed one up the middle
into pole. But cometh the hour, cometh the man. The Snakecharmer with the same
3 wood that saw off the SouthTossers longest drive competition with a chain to
spare, stepped up and delivered the perfect controlled power fade. His drive
ended on the dance floor which I measured at 8 foot past the pin. Eddie and I respectfully finished our more
humble efforts and watched on as the great stage was set for the Snakecharmer.
His putting to that point had been modest at best, and you could cut the
tension in the air. His practice putt did nothing to still the nerves either
and we looked on with hope and fear. But as if transported into another zone,
NM muttered a Hindi charm to his trusty blade, the putting stroke was smooth
and true, and the ball slid seamlessly into the centre of the hole. An EAGLE
two for 5 points and the second Hoorah Eagle of the season! The one formerly known
as Snakecharmer is now to be known as “e2”.
After
some minutes of hooping and hollering, the fat cigars were unveiled and e2
dutifully emptied the nearest hip flask.
After
that it is fair to say e2 didn’t much care what happened, but he held his form
to take the back 9, leaving Eddie (or should that now be Eddie the First) to
take the overall points from NM and HO who shared second place.
Some
rather average sandwiches and a pint of the weakest Pimms and lemonade did
nothing to dampen the spirits and the party duly set off once more to face the
more testing challenge of the Old Course.
The
Old Course (Rise of The Robot)
Enter
Herr “Durchsprung vor Teknik” Aspey. There is some suspicion that the real DA
slunk off for a pie and pint and an early night and sent a CyberGolfer in his
stead, but the doctrine of “innocent until proven guilty” requires that for the
purposes of this report, we must pretend we were playing with a humanoid.
Fairway
after fairway, green after green, e2 and I were treated to an exhibition of
cold calculating golf. Even the putting that had caused such downfall in the
previous season had given way to a calm measured stroke that saw three birdies
and no three putts in an immaculate round.
When
dark clouds brought the rain that sent e2 and the writer scurrying for
umbrellas and cover, Eddie strode on like a colussus, oblivious to the rain
drenching his shirt, and proceeded to score back to back birdies, to close the
front 9 on level par with 24 points.
Surely
we would soon be able to trot out the usual WD40 jokes? Not a bit of it! A
further birdie on the par 3, 14th, and four further pars to close
out an extraordinary round of 2 over par, put paid to this, and DA sent his
back 9 demons to their grave. A total of a further 23 points on the back 9, and
a gross 2 over par in wet conditions on a tough course left e2 and myself
watching in awe.
The usual post
mortem took place at the inauspicious, yet surprisngly excellent Forest Row
curry house, where much cameraderie and general backslapping annoyed the other
clientele.
What more can I
say? .... HOORAH for HOORAH.
We wait with
interest for the Return Of The Robot at the next event, which we are led to
understand will be at Dunkerque, and will be called as a Major by Eddie
himself.
DA’s official
handicap will for the first time in Hoorah history have broken the ellusive 10
– at 9.9 – can he go on to become an official single figure handicapper? I, for
one, fear he can.
|
|
HO |
PB |
DA |
NM |
|
Front Nine (stableford) |
17 |
- |
20 |
15 |
|
Back Nine (stableford) |
18 |
- |
18 |
20 |
|
Overall (stableford) |
35 |
- |
38 |
35 |
|
Gross score (18 holes) |
81 |
- |
80 |
84 |
|
Gross score (5 par 3’s) |
+3 |
- |
+3 |
+5 |
|
EAGLE! |
|
|
|
1 |
|
EAGLES/Birdies |
0 |
- |
0 |
0 |
|
Putts |
29 |
- |
31 |
31 |
The winners for the meeting were therefore as
follows:
Front Nine: DA 20 points
Back Nine: NM 20 points
Overall: DA 38 points
Par 3’s: HO/DA +3 (5 holes)
EAGLE: NM 1
Putting HO 29
putts
Three
players to put £6 into the pot, £1 for each comp which are worth £3 each. Prize
money as follows:
HO
£4.50
DA £7.50
NM £6
Player
|
Exact H/C
|
Meddle
Score Today
|
Adj To H/C
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
OOM Before Game
|
OOM Points Today
|
OOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
12.2 |
+13 |
+0.2 |
12.4 |
12 |
24 |
4.5 |
28.5 |
|
PB |
16.0 |
dnp |
dnp |
16.0 |
16 |
16 |
dnp |
16 |
|
DA |
13.8 |
+12 |
-0.6 |
13.2 |
13 |
22 |
10 |
32 |
|
NM |
15.3 |
+16 |
+0.3 |
15.6 |
16 |
18 |
4.5 |
22.5 |
|
|
HO |
PB |
DA |
NM |
|
Front Nine (stableford) |
17 |
- |
24 |
17 |
|
Back Nine (stableford) |
17 |
- |
23 |
14 |
|
Overall (stableford) |
34 |
- |
47 |
31 |
|
Gross score (18 holes) |
86 |
- |
74 |
93 |
|
Gross score (4 par 3’s) |
+2 |
- |
Lev |
+2 |
|
Birdies |
0 |
- |
3 |
0 |
|
Putts |
33 |
- |
29 |
37 |
The winners for the meeting were therefore as
follows:
Front Nine: DA 24 points
Back Nine: DA 23 points
Overall: DA 47 points
Par 3’s: DA Level (4 holes)
Birdies: DA 3
Putting DA 29
putts
Three
players to put £6 into the pot, £1 for each comp which are worth £3 each. Prize
money as follows:
HO
£0
DA £18
NM £0
Player
|
Exact H/C
|
Meddle
Score Today
|
Adj To H/C
|
New Exact H/C
|
New Playing H/C
|
OOM Before Game
|
OOM Points Today
|
OOM
After Game
|
|
HO |
12.4 |
+14 |
+0.4 |
12.8 |
13 |
28.5 |
6 |
34.5 |
|
PB |
16.0 |
dnp |
dnp |
16.0 |
16 |
16 |
dnp |
16 |
|
DA |
13.2 |
+2 |
-3.3 |
9.9 |
10 |
32 |
10 |
42 |
|
NM |
15.6 |
+2.1 |
+1.5 |
17.1 |
17 |
22.5 |
3 |
25.5 |